Suicide

About time i just time to but these thoughts into words as i dont think i can hold it in any longer. I just need to scribble it somewhere where i can write long long long words and wont be held back by 'tweet limit' or spamming on timeline or too long passages on instagram.

There is that time in a teenager's life where he / she would want to end his / her life because of external (like friends, environment) or internal (like family, personal feelings, experiences) factors. There are many thoughts such as how, when, who will be missing you or who will you disappoint and stuff. Well those are those thoughts that flow through my mind about everyday since last year (2012).

When i started the thought was i being stressed about exams and was just like "I wanna die" just like every other student in the world who is going to sit for finals. But this time i took it further i guess. I dont know. Do everyone do? i started searching on google "who will miss me if im dead" "what is the easiest way to die" "can i end my life by 18" Youtube shows all those kids who show that suicide is bad. But i just thought that they just didnt know what i have been through. But i guess that was just ignorant of me. So i went to search "what is the common way of suicide" haha! And amazingly there was a list!! Okay i didnt actually try all. If not why am i here typing this.

I tried cutting myself to bleed to death WHICH IS SO DUMB and i got a bad scar -____- i used a razor. and actually cried while doing it which is just so pathetic -_- kay nevermind. I tried drowning but learnt how to open eyes in water in the process. DAMN DUMB. I tried jumping off my condo balcony. Almost succeeded but my mom came home and pulled me back. My legs was just hanging in mid air. Sitting outside the balcony enjoying the view. and my mom had to spoil it. Oh well. 

Im glad im not dead because of that cause that would hurt. i would prefer to die with a less painful way hahah. Imagine if i didnt. i would be lying down in broken bones instead -_-

Till now i have these thoughts once in a while. Less than before and i swear it kills me inside to push these thoughts behind my head. I just dont want to listen to my inner devil but i know he is right because i do hate my life now. You know people say that their family and whatever is most precious. I think the opposite. Everyday i wish to escape home. I want to escape and run away. I tried one time but got convinced to stay which i regret till this day. 

I have been bulimic for a period. Anorexic for God knows when till when. I dont want to eat.Which is so weird!! I dont know my body. My parents do not know this and i hope they dont. Im so blocking this from them. Once in a while my grandma gives me some pocket money saying "please eat good food". I know thats just grandma for you and she is just caring. But she reads my mind like an open book. I love you poh poh.I have developed this talent. To not eat for a whole day and still can sleep. I guess this is the answer to my super awesome weight loss. Hahaha how i managed to stay 55-60kg. 

I still wish my parents can afford to pay for a better university. Not saying that my course is bad. Is just that. I wish that i could have gone Monash instead. I know i should be like "i study hard and get scholarship" than to blame my parents but problem is im not smart. Im not gifted. I work hard. I do. Until the point during my revisions i cry because i cannot understand stuff. I have taken subjects that i do not understand at all. For example Finance. which i got Distinction after crying and pushing through. Just for my mom to be happy that she is actually paying for me to study something more useful than other courses and subjects.

Seriously, money is one of those things that pushes me to die like now. I couldnt even afford to go to degree because i didnt get offered a scholarship. Due to bad results in foundation. It was like shit. Seriously im not lying. I was thinking too much about death and stuff to focus. No it wasnt because i was bullied. I was a happy kid :)

I was happy. I had friends that cared for me and stuff. Not saying they are bad. But i cannot stop what the devil whispers to my heart every night. I never wore singlets because i would claw near my upper arm / shoulder side because i dont wanna accept it and just cry. Omg im such a girl -_- but oh well. JUST EXPRESSING THOUGHTS. DONT JUDGE ME.

I think im pms-ing but oh well. i cant take this thoughts in anymore and just decided to bleruratahghhh it all out. AND NO IM NOT DRUNK.

No im not seeking for attention / pity for posting this. I just wanna express myself. This after all is my own blog. Sorry that im not posting it on a notepad. My notepad have not given me much comfort. I feel like through this...im actually talking to someone who cares. My blog is not famous or whatever. so only friends who actually care about my life (so sad) actually clicks on the link. No one will actually type my blog address -_- and im not asking to.

I have managed to suppress these thoughts by studying and with my friends around sharing their aura of happiness (hahah too much of dota) with me. But its gone now as im having my holidays and my brain just goes everywhere.

I would like to thank a person...lets call him S. S taught me during a period i was greatly depressed and help me before i was going to commit suicide at one period. S gave me hope in life again. S is one who i envy. Smart and because of S being so responsible, S manages to make S's life so much more easier even though S started at the same stage as me. Just so much respect. And S also gave me motivation to study and do well.

BRAIN FART

Okay i shall stop here. I feel relieved in a way. Whew. I live another day of misery. Someone just kill me already. Haihhh my devils come again to attack me. 

Time to hide my face in my pillow cause i have a performance tomorrow. Put that fake smile up and be cheerful so no one will ever question you. Nobody ever knows how you feel. Because once they do. They change.

How many people will actually miss me. I dont think anyone la. Not significant enough that i made an impact in people's lives. Somehow i will get rid of these thoughts. somehow...

EDIT:
lol why am i even here again .. i just need to express these thoughts before it kills me again.
every year is just another year to change my age number. Another year celebrating myself escaping death's grasp as he fails to grab me because of reasons. I wish he just do now though. Winning something doesnt make me happy nor losing makes me sad. Emotionless as i move through the world as a ghost of my dreams lost. HAHAH OKAY ENOUGH. ISH.