They say.

They say you are perfect

They say that you are special
They say that you are handsome
They say that you are ugly
They say that you should be this
They say that smoking is bad
They say that being gay is bad
They say that a guy must be like this
They say that life is tough.

They sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey sayThey say....

The community has shaped us into a way that we believe that we should act / behave in a way that is ACCEPTABLE. WHO ARE THESE THEYs?
To be honest. I feel we are only succumbed to these because in a way. WE are the THEY. If WE do not say that being  gay is bad.. Then there will not be THEY say that being gay is bad. FOR EXAMPLE ONLY. Not saying that being gay is bad. Just an example i picked up. Interesting? Somehow we blame the community for making us an unhappy world to live in. However, we tend to forget that WE are the community. Hmm no one? I guess im the weird one who thinks that i can change the world hahaha. such childish thoughts. i think that is why im immature and being such a kid. I have never matured i guess. These thoughts are so childish that even if you ask a 12 year old that can she/ he change the world, that kid would say yes. WITH SUPERPOWERS.

ANOTHER THOUGHT:
The projected image and life of a peer is created from Facebook / Twitter / Instagram. Instagram is worse as it is more visual and humans are more visual based, looking at pictures more than reading text. If a perceived image is higher than your own (which is the most common case), this would cause unhappiness in a person.

I dont know how anyone feels but.. http://instagram.com/p/hBm_7WjJ6j/

Click that!

Because you only see the good things that people update or care to update. You wont see the whole life of the person. Lets say, you whom are reading this post now. You wouldnt know that i am typing this in the kitchen while waiting for my maggie to get ready or maybe im on the toilet, typing this to pass time. You wont also know where i was this morning. What challenges i have faced UNLESS i decide to type it out. More interestingly, we only update if there is something good happening. What is the point to instagram that you have tripped and fell? You would rather to post that you have finished jogging instead. Someone like me would probably picture you having alot of time to exercise. But rather you were just walking to work instead. Get me? no i dont think so. HAHAHA!! Omg i feel lame. Kay.

Now enough of my brain fart.
Now to what i experienced today. Today was my friend's Nicholas semi-final competition for this YEAH Sunshine Boy competition at Sg. Wang which is near KLCC and LowYat plaza. I THINK. HAHAH. In the competition he needed to showcase a talent. He decided to showcase CHEERLEADING. which me, him, siew voon, and vivian did a short performance of dance and stunt for around 1min which is the time limit given. We got to see many talented people and many LENG ZAIs!! wash eye wash eye! lolol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9X3gGHOZlA LISTEN TO THIS!! This is one of my favourtie T-ARA song!

There was this super skinny dude that danced to this song. AND. wait. he gets 2000 likes on status update on facebook. OMG. but his dancing skills to me was not that nice. Oh well. There was 2 guys who did beatboxing which was cool~ and got one dance of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbT2rafYjv4 PARA PARA SAKURA!! Omg my childhood dance! hahahha! i used to play this on tv and just dance. such a stupid and childish boy i was.

AND OF COURSE. my friend got into the finals because...OF CHEER hahaha i wish. he did well in catwalk and other aspects of the competition anyways :)

Okay thats the end of my blog. LET ME END WITH A JOKE BY ONE OF THE CONTESTANTS!! (i cant remember clearly though)

I will tell you a joke with funny, scary and sad elements!

there was this clown (funny)

who went to the dark side (scary)

and died (sad)

*BUDUMTSS*

This guy got into the finals. HAHHAHA

Suicide

About time i just time to but these thoughts into words as i dont think i can hold it in any longer. I just need to scribble it somewhere where i can write long long long words and wont be held back by 'tweet limit' or spamming on timeline or too long passages on instagram.

There is that time in a teenager's life where he / she would want to end his / her life because of external (like friends, environment) or internal (like family, personal feelings, experiences) factors. There are many thoughts such as how, when, who will be missing you or who will you disappoint and stuff. Well those are those thoughts that flow through my mind about everyday since last year (2012).

When i started the thought was i being stressed about exams and was just like "I wanna die" just like every other student in the world who is going to sit for finals. But this time i took it further i guess. I dont know. Do everyone do? i started searching on google "who will miss me if im dead" "what is the easiest way to die" "can i end my life by 18" Youtube shows all those kids who show that suicide is bad. But i just thought that they just didnt know what i have been through. But i guess that was just ignorant of me. So i went to search "what is the common way of suicide" haha! And amazingly there was a list!! Okay i didnt actually try all. If not why am i here typing this.

I tried cutting myself to bleed to death WHICH IS SO DUMB and i got a bad scar -____- i used a razor. and actually cried while doing it which is just so pathetic -_- kay nevermind. I tried drowning but learnt how to open eyes in water in the process. DAMN DUMB. I tried jumping off my condo balcony. Almost succeeded but my mom came home and pulled me back. My legs was just hanging in mid air. Sitting outside the balcony enjoying the view. and my mom had to spoil it. Oh well. 

Im glad im not dead because of that cause that would hurt. i would prefer to die with a less painful way hahah. Imagine if i didnt. i would be lying down in broken bones instead -_-

Till now i have these thoughts once in a while. Less than before and i swear it kills me inside to push these thoughts behind my head. I just dont want to listen to my inner devil but i know he is right because i do hate my life now. You know people say that their family and whatever is most precious. I think the opposite. Everyday i wish to escape home. I want to escape and run away. I tried one time but got convinced to stay which i regret till this day. 

I have been bulimic for a period. Anorexic for God knows when till when. I dont want to eat.Which is so weird!! I dont know my body. My parents do not know this and i hope they dont. Im so blocking this from them. Once in a while my grandma gives me some pocket money saying "please eat good food". I know thats just grandma for you and she is just caring. But she reads my mind like an open book. I love you poh poh.I have developed this talent. To not eat for a whole day and still can sleep. I guess this is the answer to my super awesome weight loss. Hahaha how i managed to stay 55-60kg. 

I still wish my parents can afford to pay for a better university. Not saying that my course is bad. Is just that. I wish that i could have gone Monash instead. I know i should be like "i study hard and get scholarship" than to blame my parents but problem is im not smart. Im not gifted. I work hard. I do. Until the point during my revisions i cry because i cannot understand stuff. I have taken subjects that i do not understand at all. For example Finance. which i got Distinction after crying and pushing through. Just for my mom to be happy that she is actually paying for me to study something more useful than other courses and subjects.

Seriously, money is one of those things that pushes me to die like now. I couldnt even afford to go to degree because i didnt get offered a scholarship. Due to bad results in foundation. It was like shit. Seriously im not lying. I was thinking too much about death and stuff to focus. No it wasnt because i was bullied. I was a happy kid :)

I was happy. I had friends that cared for me and stuff. Not saying they are bad. But i cannot stop what the devil whispers to my heart every night. I never wore singlets because i would claw near my upper arm / shoulder side because i dont wanna accept it and just cry. Omg im such a girl -_- but oh well. JUST EXPRESSING THOUGHTS. DONT JUDGE ME.

I think im pms-ing but oh well. i cant take this thoughts in anymore and just decided to bleruratahghhh it all out. AND NO IM NOT DRUNK.

No im not seeking for attention / pity for posting this. I just wanna express myself. This after all is my own blog. Sorry that im not posting it on a notepad. My notepad have not given me much comfort. I feel like through this...im actually talking to someone who cares. My blog is not famous or whatever. so only friends who actually care about my life (so sad) actually clicks on the link. No one will actually type my blog address -_- and im not asking to.

I have managed to suppress these thoughts by studying and with my friends around sharing their aura of happiness (hahah too much of dota) with me. But its gone now as im having my holidays and my brain just goes everywhere.

I would like to thank a person...lets call him S. S taught me during a period i was greatly depressed and help me before i was going to commit suicide at one period. S gave me hope in life again. S is one who i envy. Smart and because of S being so responsible, S manages to make S's life so much more easier even though S started at the same stage as me. Just so much respect. And S also gave me motivation to study and do well.

BRAIN FART

Okay i shall stop here. I feel relieved in a way. Whew. I live another day of misery. Someone just kill me already. Haihhh my devils come again to attack me. 

Time to hide my face in my pillow cause i have a performance tomorrow. Put that fake smile up and be cheerful so no one will ever question you. Nobody ever knows how you feel. Because once they do. They change.

How many people will actually miss me. I dont think anyone la. Not significant enough that i made an impact in people's lives. Somehow i will get rid of these thoughts. somehow...

EDIT:
lol why am i even here again .. i just need to express these thoughts before it kills me again.
every year is just another year to change my age number. Another year celebrating myself escaping death's grasp as he fails to grab me because of reasons. I wish he just do now though. Winning something doesnt make me happy nor losing makes me sad. Emotionless as i move through the world as a ghost of my dreams lost. HAHAH OKAY ENOUGH. ISH.

It is all just a game

I have just came back after watching Ender's Game! Such an awesome movie which should be given more love :)

Just a synopsis, it is about a boy named Ender who is a 3rd boy from a genius family. His brother basically hates him, his sister loves him. AND EVERYONE HATES HIM.. Like always at the beginning, because of him being too smart or talented, people just wanna beat him up of jealousy. But later he is respected for his genius planning and violence :O

YOU SHOULD WATCH IT.

To all gamer out there, you should watch this. Cause it is about how gamers save the world. Playing a game stimulates the brain and hence emphasises our senses. In a simulation game of a war, a boy managed to 'win' the war by simply 'winning' the game that he was playing.

Today is the 20th. 26th and 27th would be days i would be going for training for work soon. And hence end my holidaysss T___T Where i would be working? Stay tuned to my social networking sites, FB, Twitter and Insta and here too as i would start posting haha :P (macam yes) (like a blogger but not)

I would be working in Curve. So if anyone is there can come say hi to me or date me or something larh hahah

TOMORROW IS THE RELEASE OF THIS....

CATCHING FIREEE!! The 2nd of the trilogy of the Hunger Games. Started with Hunger Games, then Catching Fire, then Mockingjay.

This is all most fans are waiting for and will compare this to the book. The trailer if searched on youtube is nice. And if you had read the book more than twice, the trailer basically helped you picture the whole movie already. However i would want to watch it as soon as possible because i cant waittttt !! OMG :(

Someone take me out tomorrow to watch this! T___T

Kay bye bye :)

#Deep

Now that my finals is over and holidays has started *hurrah* until exam results come out *groannnss* I have more time to think to myself and just...think.

YOLO: You Only Live Once

Because at every moment in time, there is an event or something that happens only once. Even if it happens again, it is with different circumstances. Different time, different people and different feelings.

That is why it is important that we enjoy life and do not hold back. However, there is a limit to that la. hahahah. dont la enjoy life until you destroy your own life in the process.

Now that i think about it. It is always this thought of living life to the fullest, makes people risk it all. In risking everything, you lose everything if you lose. But the rewards may or may not be great. So is it worth for putting it all and getting nothing in return? Or just saying "YOLO" and throw all in, putting all your effort, strength and time and savouring the sweet rewards that come after that.

Right now. I have just experienced the first. Putting it all and getting nothing in return. Not that i expect anything in return. But it just seems that way. Life has a funny thing of making you high for a short moment and then straight down at rock bottom the next second. This makes us humans to rationalise that whatever we do, whether good or bad, brings consequences. In deciding whether to choose choice A or B. We should know that we should be able to accept whatever consequence that results out of it. Hopefully more good than bad.

So we should always appreciate what is given to us and treasure those moments that we enjoy. Even if those moments in life are not as how you want it to be. Do not look back. Hold no regrets. Enjoy and be happy :)

Just another fish in the ocean

I feel like a nobody. Full stop.

I just feel like shutting myself out from the world into my little ball.

Why so sudden? A drive on the way back home in the jam. I just stopped and thought. IF i follow the rules of driving and do not cut and speed and stuff... i would be at the back of the jam. IF i did just speed at the red light. I would be in front of the jam. 

Society has taught me that, if anything. Being normal is just bullshit. You have to stand out. NOWADAYS, standing out has become NORMAL and being normal just means you gotta be different. 

HAHHAH DID I JUST CONTRADICT MYSELF. AMAGAH

THIS FEEEEELS.

Anyways. CARRIE IS SUCH A SCARY MOVIE. DONT WATCH IT AMAGAHHHH

I went out to watch movie with my friends today and the movie was Carrie. AND I SWEAR THE MOVIE IS S-CARRIE. HAHAHHA SEE WHAT I DID THERE?? :D

My friend..VINCENT. said it was just a story about a girl who has to learn to control her powers. Well this movie made me, Mika, Xi Ming and probably shermaine to scream in the cinema !! It is so bloody scary. and i really mean BLOODY.

Just started playing Dota 2 recently. Teach me how to playy!!

Okay to those reading my blog, thank you :) hahah for reading all my rubbish thoughts >< KEEP READING HEHEHHEEH

Okay im off to preparing my cheerleading routine that im going to perform in December :) 

Update

So yeah, update! hahah i think i have abandoned this blog for a long long time.

I usually blog when i have something or things on my mind because it is my way of expressing things.

Recently there are things that are bothering me and i just want to type it out. My blog is where i just type long paragraphs where i cant type on twitter or facebook. So let me be.

Have you ever felt someone treating you very weirdly? One day the person is super close to you (HOT) and the next super distant (COLD)? Ever felt used?

If you havent, let me tell you that the feeling sucks. can you imagine your friend who all of a sudden starts to get super close to you and you become like very good friends. One day, your friend asks you to help with assignment and you do it because you guys are close, tight, besties. Then after doing that. Your friend starts to not talk to you. Respond to your whatsapp. Reads but dont reply. Online but not reading. Not for a day...not for a week..until next month. Okay maybe im exaggerating. haha but this example is one that many may face and i think its a relevant example.

One day, i felt that this person was so open to me. Just told me everything. I even almost offered to help that person by offering a listening ear. But the next day, that person just said that whatever he said was just one off thing. Dayumm. Dont you feel abit hurt? No? Hmm

What happens if it was someone you like alot during that period? (not now, cause i got someone in my life and i really am in love) You just would do anything. Does that person care? No. Does that person even puts priority to you? No. Did you place that person first amongst all things? You stupidly did so. You never felt so special and then suddenly this person made you feel that way and just left you be. Sometimes, i wish i could erase you from my life.

Anyways, i just wanted to rant this out so i would feel so much better.

HOLIDAYS have just started and im looking for jobs all around :/ Hopefully i come out with something i can actually earn so i can enjoy during my holidays and go shopping :)

Oh happy days~ Enjoy !! Thanks for reading if you ever bothered to. hahha leave a comment? Say hi? :)